Dear World,…

Just give me some more time. Just let me show you what I can be. Let me show you who I am. Watch as people try to tear me down, until I am nothing but flesh. But watch me crawl back up to be who I am. 

My soul may be heavy with the sorrow of their words. Might have scars from the hate. But my kindness makes me light. I rise, I soar, I fly. No matter how hard they all try. I fly.

May you see what you want. Believe what you will. Think what you want of me. But still, I will. Still I will be. Forever and ever, always me.

Try as they may. Try with all their might. I will always fight. You can’t break my soul. You lighten my light. You can’t distinguish my flame that will forever be burning bright. 

You can think I’m crazy. Maybe you think I’m scared. But my fears are just my armor, making me more aware. 

I stand and let them hurt me. I let them rip me apart. All just to show them, that they can never change my heart.

May you continue on your plight but just know it’s all in vain. Because I can most assuredly tell you I will always find my way. 

My kindness will always win. My peace will always stand. My love will always be ready and willing to hold your hand. 

Maybe one day you will be ready to truly see. To see the real beauty of life the way it’s suppose to be.

It’s not hidden in places or even in things. It is within our souls. It lies with you and me.

So, give me some more time to show you. It saddens me that you may never see. I can keep showing you my strength. Keep showing you me. 

May you grow tired and know this, I will no matter what, forever, be me. That is who I am. And who I will always be.

 

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Friend Zoning Myself 

I have been pursuing my best friend lately. I haven’t been doing anything crazy. Just making sure he knows I am interested. Well today I friend zoned myself. Here is what I sent him…

My luv. I want to apologize for acting stupidly around you. My comments about us dating and me being pushy in anyway are terrible. I don’t ever want to make you feel uncomfortable or as if you can’t be around me. I love you so much, and I can’t make you want to be with me in some other way if that’s not what is meant to be. Me being forward with you is just my way of telling you that I see you differently and that I see you as something more than what all those other girls see you. I want you to be happy. Whatever it is that makes you happy will make me happy. I will love you always, more than you will ever know. I can’t see my life without you in it, and I won’t jeopardize our friendship by acting crazy. I won’t bring this up again and I won’t try to cross the friend zone. You are probably reading this oblivious to me acting in such ways. But my heart has been heavy with all of this and I want to always be open with you. Even if that means showing a bit of my insanity. 🙃
His response was simple. 

Don’t you worry your pretty head lol it’s all good 😊

Here I am friend zoned. It hurts. But nothing can hurt more than him not being in my life. So I will learn to be okay. I will move past this like I always do. I am closing the relationship book, not wanting to reopen it. Maybe one day I will. But I really don’t want too.. No matter how badly I want love, no matter how much I love love, no matter how much I long for a partnership.. My heart is closed to it all now. My last attempt at love, has fallen through. My walls are up and I cant imagine anyone being able to bring them down. Maybe I am missing out, but at least I will always have my bestie.

Stressing

I have had my chest pain, constantly for over a month now. Everyday, it feels like I can’t breathe. I have never had this pain for so long. When I think of why it has lasted so long, I get it. But this can’t be good, having such a hollow, heaviness in my chest.

I have been alot happier lately. I should say WAY happier. I’m getting out, I’m social, I am being creative, I am working, I’m eating better and working out. You would think all of this would help the stress pain, right?

Well, for me the stresses of life always affect me, over everything else. It’s a habit I plan to get a hold on. But for now everything I am worrying about is weighing me down.

Some of my worries, stresses and life changes are…

I recently went through weaning my daughter. I breastfed her for almost 2yrs. To some that may seem crazy. To me though, it was the most beautiful, bonding experience. Her growing up and not needing me as much as before is heartbreaking. But also, I may never get to have this type of bond again. She may be my one and only baby. So closing my baby chapter, stings and weighs down on me…

My love life is up in the air. Which really bothers me. I never thought I would love someone again. Yet here I am, in love with my best friend. I don’t know what to do though. I told him how I feel, but he hasn’t brought it up or made a move. I feel as if I am freaking him out a bit. I am very forward with him when we talk about relationship stuff. I know I can’t make him be ready for a relationship. It’s just hard to watch him slip into his old habits of sleeping around, when I am standing right in front of him.

I am working again. Which is a positive-negative. Positives: Making money, saving money, being able to buy stuff, getting out of the house, working with my best girlfriend and having a bit of me time. However, it’s the first time I have been away from my daughter so much. I have worked here and there before, but I work much more now. My mama guilt makes me feel selfish and as if I am abandoning her. I feel like I am going to miss out on everything with her…

Not only do I have all of that, but I also have my fears creep up when I am out. I know it will take time to get over being afraid of being out and about. The feeling of being afraid to leave the house is pretty overwhelming though. Even if I do enjoy working, listening to music in the car and watching the birds flying in the sky. The fear of someone coming after me and killing me is pretty ridiculous, I know. But I still think about it, everytime I am out.

I have alot of reasons why my chest pain has not subsided, even though all the good stuff in my life surely out weighs the bad. My chest however, feels otherwise. 

Hot & Bothered

​Well I did it. I broke my silence. We were sitting there working on emails, contacts, signing up for events and other stuff for our business. I was oddly very hot. I mean my body felt scorching to the touch. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I would go to the bathroom and see that my face would be flushed. My chest hurt.. I wanted to talk to him. Maybe I wanted to tell him so badly that I couldn’t contain it anymore. So my body was letting me know. I never felt like that before. And just thinking about it makes my face flush. 

We eventually stopped working and started talking about relationships and how nothing seems to work for us in that department. And then I asked him… Well, what about me? 

He started laughing and I told him I had the biggest crush on him in school. He said I was good at hiding it. Me: I was engaged at the time and he was dating someone! I said, I have always been attracted to him. He said, he was very flattered and he never thought about us dating before. He said, he didn’t think I was into black guys. I told him I have never dated a black guy, but why does it matter? I hate when people have preferences or say they don’t date a certain race. I told him about how he was this bad boy. Always getting to school late, dating a bunch of people and hungover. He laughed again and said, no one has ever called me a bad boy. A party boy yes, but never a bad boy. He laughed some more and then said, even knowing about all the girls I have been with?

Then, I got deep with him. I said we bring out the good in eachother. Just look at what we are doing. You are different around me and you treat me differently than your friends. We bring the best out in eachother. And then I said, It’s like we are going in circles around eachother, dating the wrong people and we are standing right in front of one another. 

We sat there, quite. I apologized for getting deep and he said, no no. And then I said I hope I didn’t freak him out, but he said it takes alot to freak him out. Then he said, I love you and I said, I love you too. Then he said it again. He said, you know I love you  and he looked at me very sweetly. I looked down and away and I said I know, I love you too. And we just sat there. It wasn’t weird or anything. I didn’t feel like anything changed in a bad way or anything. We just sat there until one of us started talking again. When we started talking, it was about stuff we want to do this year. 

It was nice, especially getting how I was feeling out into the open. I know he really wants to get to his happy place and get more settled before he has something serious. If it doesn’t happen between us, I just want us both happy. We both love each other and will be friends for probably the rest of our lives, so I am good with that. 

It would be nice to have a partner in life, though. I told him he is the only guy I trust. I cant imagine letting anyone else into my life. If he and I don’t end up together then I probably wont get with anyone. So we will see what will happen. I am not going to push him, or pry. I am going to wait and see what happens. Let things play out as they come. I have alot of other things to distract me right now, so that helps. But I do think of him all the time, and my romance side hopes he wants to be with me too.

Unplanned Love

Well this comes as quite the surprise to me. And what a better time than with Valentine’s Day looming ahead. I honestly didn’t think it was possible… And who knows I am probably just crazy to even think it.. 

I have fallen for my best friend and business partner. I have known him for five years. We went to school together, started a business together. He has been there for me through my hardships and my happiest days. But I didn’t think I would fall for him.

Honestly, in school I had such a thing for him. He was always the bad boy. Late to class, usually hungover, lived for the nightlife. But now, he is starting to settle down, we are finding out things about one another we didn’t know before, we have more common ground. And that makes him even more attractive than his bad boy vibes.

Not only all of that, but he is the only guy I 100% trust with every cell of my being. Is that a bad thing though? Am I just too afraid to trust someone else? No. I am afraid of everything. Afraid to love him. Afraid to make a move. Afraid of being afraid. Afraid of missing out on what could be.

Its so strange. I have always been attracted to him, always loved him as a friend. Why now? I keep making up excuses. I am tired of being alone. We are around each other a lot, so it was bound to happen. I haven’t had sex in over two years, so maybe thats it. I know better though. I feel something and I think he does too. But I am starting to overhink everything and I am getting worried that somehow I am making all of this up in my head because I want him. 

I ache for him. Physically and emotionally. But most of all. I can see myself marrying him. Having kids. Fostering kids. Traveling. We bring out the best in each other. He helps keep me grounded. Keeps me calm. Shows me how to let loose and just have some fun. I keep him out of trouble. Help him, help others. Encourage him. 

Every time I am near him I want to be closer. When I am away from him, I cannot stop thinking about him.. Its like an addiction. I got to feed my addiction the past couple of days. It started with a couple of drinks and I never, ever, ever drink. So, a couple of drinks was too many. But it was an excuse to be physically closer to him. To hold onto his arm in the car. Hanging out the next day. Sitting close on the couch typing up emails and listening to records. Getting lunch together.

Yeah, all seems innocent enough. But I am starting to hang on to the little things he says and does. “I had to ride my bike after I dropped you off last night, to clear my head.” “You are the only person I go out to eat with.” “You were cute last night.” Him playing love songs around me.

Maybe its not what it seems. Maybe its all just a coincidence. And if it ends up that I was just feeding into everything, that’s fine with me. Why? Because he made me believe that I can fall in love again. And I have.

The Elephant Sitting On My Chest

So, you may have heard about the elephant in the room. But did you know where the elephant was? Well for weeks it has been sitting on my chest. Looking down at me, daring me to even try to move. Snorting at any movement I make to try to get up. It sits there. Tells me I can’t get up. You don’t have any fight left in you. The elephant is my fears, my self doubt, my depression, my anxiety, my worries, my PTSD.. It hurts me so. It physically hurts. The pain of everything that has ever happened to me and may happen to me. It feels heavy yet hollow. Stabbing and aching. Debilitating. 

How did I get here? To the point of not living. Afraid to leave the house. Afraid to trust people again. I fight with myself instead of for myself. The tiniest things trigger my downward spiral into my dark dungeon. The job fell through. My friend blew me off. Thoughts of my ex’s. Watching the news. Banging my head. Losing something. And then it isn’t just this or that, its EVERYTHING. How did EVERYTHING get so bad??? 

I lay in my bed staring into the darkness. Tossing and turning. Body aching. Chest throbbing. Mind racing. Exhausted. What on earth has become of me?? What possess me so? What grips me so tightly that it’s hard to breath? How could so many things, people and thoughts have contributed to my lack of well being.

How could I let things go so far? To the point where I physically am in pain. I am aware of my thoughts. My worries. My aches. My pains. Yet I let myself stay and wallow in the pain. I don’t help myself. I help others. I go out of my way for others. But yet here I am in physical agony and I watch. I hear my soul cry out but I don’t know how to save myself. The pain has far surpassed my usual inflictions.

I tell myself to snap out of it. Revert your thoughts. Remember happy times. Focus on your third eye. Breath in, breath out. It will get better. Pray.

In time I know it will get better. I will slowly creep out from under the elephant. Everything may be heavy now, but once I learn how to carry the weight I can then learn how to leave it behind. Until then though, I lay here. Staring at my elephant, planning my escape.

Fooled into Love

​Here’s how I know that there are certain people who can fool you in a relationship.

If someone has lied to you from the beginning its not very easy to know when that person is or isnt lying. When you first meet someone you dont expect it, so then your stuck thinking everything they are telling you is truth. In this situation the relationship can go on for years, until the person lying slips up in someway. If the slip is not caught the lies will continue to stand as truth. If the person is intuitive they will be luckier than most and figure out the person is lying by questioning their partners actions and doing a little investigating behind their back. Once the real truth is found out, then the person can leave that situation. For many though, they dont figure any of this out until their older years in the relationship.

Another one, addiction. When someone slowly starts doing drugs and drinking; and then it becomes their life. The relationship didnt start like that, it progressed. So many people already have love for that person and they try to help; all to realize that the addict has to want the help. If they dont its better to move on bc there is no telling how long it will take the addict to figure it out.

Then there are the people who act differently around others and differently with their partners. They wear a mask for awhile, they display kindness, helpfulness; nothing seems off about them. These people, often times, wait until they have you stuck in the situation before they take their mask off, to then reveal their true colors. Usually these people turn out to be domestic abusers. They trick others bc the abuse is only towards their partner. Thus leaving the abused to usually stay in the situation, unless they know their self worth and they leave.

I have been through each of these. I have been fooled into thinking that I loved each person and they loved me. There wasn’t love in those relationships. They were fake, phony and empty. I just tell myself hey it was practice for the real deal. It was all a learning experience. This all lead me to where I am today. Who I am today. I may have been fooled, but I no fool. I know what love is, and it wasn’t in any of those fools. 

Daddy Issue’s

This may be one of the hardest blog posts for me to write about, to post, to think about, to process.. 

I feel a jumble of things towards my father. Love, hatred, respect, disrespect, gratitude, admiration, confusion, disbelief.. The list goes on and on. The best way I could describe my feelings of him is a love hate relationship. 

Let me first make this clear, I don’t hate him. I hate some of the things he says and has said to me. I hate how many times he has embarrassed me. Tore me down with his words and belittled me. I hate how he can rip me a new one and then turn around and talk about something else as if nothing had happened. I hate how I have held onto every last word and action. For so many years. 

For as long as I can remember my daddy has yelled. At me. My mom. My sister. Our pet’s. He would yell until his whole body was red. If we broke something, scratched something, stepped out of his line, didn’t listen before we were told, didn’t ask before we did something.. It didn’t matter if we got A’s. Why weren’t they A+’s??? His fuse was always lite. It didnt matter. It still doesnt. 

He also has always blamed us for things. If something was missing, broken, misplaced, moved.. Doesn’t matter what it is, we still get blamed. He doesn’t have as much money as someone else, its our fault. He can’t find his glasses, its our fault. There is a new ding in the car, its our fault. The sky is falling, its our fault (just put that last one in there to lighten things up a bit).

I remember so, so many times getting yelled at as a child. Sometimes in front of no one. Sometimes in front of family. Sometimes in front of friends. He didn’t care who was or wasn’t there. Many of the times I didn’t understand why I was being yelled at. I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong. My mom could never explain it to me. And I still don’t understand. But as a child, it was a lot to process. I would get sent to my room and I would sob in my bed and try so hard to figure out what was wrong with me.. I even started to ask God to take me away. I use to ask to die. I thought death must be better than all of this..

One day we found out that daddy has high blood pressure. That turned into the excuse to why he was the way he was. So that turned into the excuse. Oh, his high blood pressure must be up again. Oh, maybe he needs a different medicine.. And for awhile it seemed that the medicines helped. But every once in awhile he would still explode. 

By the time I was in high school, I had had about as much as I could take. One day I was being a bit over dramatic, I said to a friend I was going to take a bottle of pills.. But part of me really did think about it.. I remember sitting there holding that bottle of pills, sobbing. I knew I wouldn’t do it. And I didn’t. But I just wanted the pain to stop. The hurt that daddy caused me was just too much. Somehow though, I pushed through it all. And throughout the years he has said many nasty, unforgivable things to me. But I would just take it all with a grain of salt. 

Lately though, things have gotten bad again. I live with my parents. I am a single mom, who survived and left her absurer ex and well that meant going back home. Why? Because I couldn’t afford to live on my own and my mom is my best friend. Going back has been bittersweet. Right now though,its bitter.

I currently don’t have a job. Not because I am not able. But because my PTSD is holding me back. That excuse isn’t good enough for daddy though. I officially can’t afford my bills or help pay to live with my patents and that’s not okay with daddy. So what do I get? Harsh words. I am ungrateful. I had such potential. I am a user. I am taking advantage. They are going to take your daughter away. You are an unfit mother. Your ex is going to take your daughter. And many many other things..

Just a few days ago he said he was going to pay one of my credit cards off for me. I cried and gave him a hug. I was so grateful and overwhelmed that he wanted to help me. When I asked why he wanted to help me all of a sudden he said.. Because he didn’t want to pay the minimum and keep paying interest. Because I was never going to pay it. Because I was never going to be able to pay it. Because I was never going to get a job.. 

If my daughter ever needed my help and I could help her I would. And I would say to her.. I want to help you, and I can, so I am. I love you. And that is what I wanted my daddy to say to me. But he didn’t. And he won’t. I have talked to a friend of mine and my mom about how I feel. They say that him paying my bill was him showing his love for me. But I have a hard time seeing it that way..

I have more than most single moms. A family to stay with. A car my parents gave me back in college. Parents helping me with bills. Grandparents who love their granddaughter.

Everyday, I am thankful for many things. My daughter. My family and friends. Having a roof over my head. Running water. Food to eat. A place to stay, where I don’t have an ex trying to kill me. 

Maybe I am overly sensitive. Maybe I ask to much.. But, I just wish my dad didn’t mind me being here. I wish he was proud of me. Thought highly of me. Respected me. I wish he wasn’t ashamed of me. And really, really loved me. Maybe in his own way he does..

Not All Parents, Are Parents.

You may think that my title is strange, or maybe you know exactly what I am talking about. Just because you can create a child doesn’t make you a parent. Sure, the law thinks otherwise. But that’s what I mean. That’s what needs to change. Also, the norm of a mom and dad and child(ren) needs to go away, too. How old school and dated are these thoughts; these opinions.

We give ‘parents’ too many rights and privileges. Many, many times the laws protect the parents too well. There are parents that are drug addicts, abusers, drug dealers, gang members, murders, criminals, law breakers, alcoholics.. These ‘parents’ put there kids through hell. They expose them to things that children shouldn’t have to deal with.  They selfishly make choices for themselves that are not in the well-being of the child(ren). Children shouldn’t be expected to be around parents who choose these lives. Who make decisions that are not in the best interest of the child(ren). If these parents don’t get help to change, then the children should be placed with family members that do not partake in such activities or foster care. They should not have to visit these parents, live with these parents or see these parents. Just because someone is related to you, does not make them your family or parent. Kindness, love and caring are just a few things that make up a family.

Not every family is a cookie cutter mom/dad/child(ren). Maybe you have a multi-generation family, a one parent family, a no parent family, a no blood-related family. But who is to judge that? Who are these law makers to say that your family is or isn’t a family? Who are these people who say children need to be around these monster blood related parents just because they are biologically related? How absurd this is. Do you finally see what I am saying?

There are children forced to see parents who have:

abused their other parent/family member.

abused them.

attempted to kill them.

attempted to kill their other parent/family member.

murdered their other parent/family member.

raped/sexually assaulted their other parent.

raped/sexually assaulted them.

How is this possible? Why is this possible? Who says blood relation is the most important thing to a child? I am here to tell you its not. Love doesn’t come from blood. Love doesn’t come from being related. Love comes from kindness, caring, protecting, respect, friendship, healthy environments/relationships.

You are not a parent if you:

cause harm physically/mentally/emotionally to your child(ren).

I don’t care what definition you use. I don’t care what law protects you.

My eyes are open. I hope your eyes are open now too. Just because a family isn’t the same color or shape as that cookie cutter family you are use to seeing, doesn’t make that family less of a family. If anything, they are probably a damn good family. A family that is strong and full of love.

 

Overthinking: Thoughts of My Ex’s

My mind never stops racing. It can be quite exhausting. Much of my energy goes into worrying about the worst thoughts and worrying about the little things. I always seem to be conflicted with so many things. What I need to be doing. What I should be doing. What I want to do. 

But I am always stopped. Can’t seem to get past the past. My issues rise up and suddenly they are in front of me again. I am followed constantly by these ghosts of my past. Will I forever be haunted? Doomed to this turmoil within myself? Will I ever be able to live my life?

Sometimes I wonder if it is the hate and anger that keeps me from moving on. When I really think about it all, its the fact that no one knows the truth about my ex monsters. My close family and friends know. Its not enough though. Why should my ex’s get to live their lies? They have their family and friends fooled. They painted me to be a terrible person, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. That’s what really bothers me. That people believe their lies.

So let me label my ex’s for you. The first one we will call him The Drug Addict (you will meet him another time), the second; The Sexual Predator and the third; The Abuser. (I know. I really know how to pick ’em.) 

I have already told you a bit about The Sexual Predator. I was engaged to him. I found out he was molesting and sexually assaulting my disabled sister. When I left him, my mom and I tried to get my sister to press charges. She kept backing out though. And eventually fear won and she never went through with the charges. He lives in the house I bought with him. He is now married to a woman with a little girl. I have nightmares of what he does to that little girl. Nightmares of his wife calling me a lying witch, too blinded to see what is in front of her. There are so many sick things about this guy, that I didn’t realize until I left him. He tried to assault his cousin after she turned 18. He had a restraining order against him when he was 18yr because he had sex with a 16yr. He had mainly women friends. Some with babies, children.. His brothers were afraid of him (what had he done to them?).. 

So many terrifying things. How many victims are there? How many will there be? I know that I am one of the victims as well. My counsler said I am a secondary victim. I don’t like to think of myself as a victim. But I am. I was used by him. I slept with him. Thought he loved me. All to find that he was harming my sister. I still feel violated. Dirty. And wonder how I never saw it. Sometimes blame myself for ever letting him into our lives.. And now.. After so many years passing. Finding out he is married to a woman with a daughter.. I am mortified. 

But you want to know something else? I am still on the deed of the home that we bought together. Fear over takes me everytime I think of getting a lawyer, so the house can be sold. So that I can finally have him out of our lives.. But now that I know that a little girl is living with him how can I not do something to try to get him arrested? So many scenario’s play through my mind. I have no proof only my word and my sisters word. His wife still may not believe me and the little girl will still get abused. This could traumatize my sister all over again.. I hate living in all this. My mess of a life. Perplexed. Always so much, too much to process. 

As if all of that isn’t enough to make me explode. To cause me to break. My Abuser ex causes me so much fear I hardly leave the house. Why am I so afraid? Not because he might cause me harm. Why then? Because he might try to take my daughter away from me. What is this past relationship story? 

Well. Its kinda of stupid. We didn’t know each other very long. I have always wanted to get married and have a family. I felt like somehow I had missed the boat. Never met the right guy. And I was only getting older. So what did I do? I settled. I dealt with the fact that I wasn’t crazy about him, or his insane mother and dived in. Determined to get the life I had always wanted. 

Well he started to be very controlling, didn’t respect me or my beliefs. His mother was way crazier than I could have imagined. And he was more wicked than I could have dreamt. He quickly started showing his true colors. He threw his cat against the wall.Started telling me I had to ask his permission about things. I knew I had to leave. I just didnt know how. 

Then one night he lost it. I told him I was leaving. He started throwing all of my things down the stairs. I was six months pregnant at the time. We never got married thankfully. I waited for my parents to come help me pack. I was glad I called them. If I hadn’t. You might not be reading this. He grabbed be after I dropped one of his things down the stairs. Apparently I couldn’t do what he was doing to all of my things. He started dragging me to the stairs. I struggled to get away, and right before he made the bend to the top of the stairs I broke free. I stumbled back to the floor and crawled backwards to the couch. I told him to stay away from me and to not touch me. 

He stayed away from me after that and continued to get all of my things. He threatened to call the police on me. He said I was trespassing, even though I lived there too. I was so shaken I didn’t know what to do. After he kept threatening me I called the cops. I told them that he tried to throw me down the stairs.  

My parents arrived before the cops. My ex even had his mom come out. Two cops arrived. One was on my ex’s side and the other seemed to be more on mine. I didnt have any marks on me by the time the cops arrived. The one cop told me I could press charges amd have my ex in jail for the night. I didnt see how that would help anything since I was leaving that night anyway and how would I have any evidence if there were no witnesses and it was my word against his. 

My ex ended up spinning a web of lies and it worked in getting the one cop to write up only his side of the story. But in the end. I won. I got a permanent life long restraining order against him. I had my daughter. I never put my ex’s name on the birth certificate and I will never pursue him as the father or for child support. 

I fear him trying to come into our lives. I hate that he told everyone I am the one who lied. I just wanted my daughter for myself. How stupid people are. If only they knew how hard it is to get a permanent restraining order. Then maybe they would think twice about what comes out of his mouth..

I have a lot to worry about. I have a lot to still sort out. I have a lot. A lot of good. A lot of bad. I hate how the bad stuff overtakes the good. How it overshadows and tries to erase. 

I can sit here though and tell you this, I am lucky. I am one of the lucky ones. I got out of all the bad situations. I left. I had a safe place to go. I have a little girl who looks at me with her big eyes, full of love. She smiles and brings me back to life. I have family and friends I can rely on. Furbabies that keep me on my toes. I have dreams to chase. Goals to reach. A life to live. 

Many people aren’t so lucky. To anyone reading this who is stuck in a bad relationship, get out. It doesn’t get better. No one changes. You can do it. You deserve better. You are not alone. Its not your fault. You deserve to live. Find your life. You don’t need someone tearing you down. It will take time to rebuild. It will take time to heal. But it will happen. 

I have bad days and good days. I have bad thoughts cross my mind often. Writing this and letting people know what really has happened is helping me. I am finding closure. Finding peace. I hope that my words help you too. You will find your peace. Maybe we will find our peace through this journey of words and support, together. 

Stay positive. Stay motivated. Never stop dreaming. But most importantly, don’t let the bad take away your good. Oh and also, never stop. Keep going. We can only go further if we are actually going. So let’s go. We can do this. We got this!