In remembrance of Carrie Fisher, I post this quote from her. As many others, I have thought of her often since her passing. I, however, never knew of this quote until today. It was such a coincidence. I had just made my new years resolution; act more and dwell less. Her quote fits perfectly into my life. I live in fear. Fear to go out. Fear to try. Fear to fail. Fear to succeed. Well, maybe I just need to accept my fear instead of overcoming it. Instead of wrestling with it. I will let it be. I will walk through it. I will let the fear come. Lay as it lingers over me. And then watch as it fades behind. Behind. Me. Where it should have been to start with.
I will start here, first. With my blog. Venting, writing, fuming, escaping, running. Letting everything fall out into words. Words that I have held onto for too long. Thoughts that plague my every move. Memories that dehabilitate me at times, far too many times. So many days, hours, minutes, seconds lost. To what? To disturbing events that have crossed my path. That have impacted my life so tremendously I see people differently. But not only that. The worst part is. I have stopped living. I watch others lives in colors and wonder how they are so happy. Think of how lucky they are. And wish my life were more like theirs.
How terrible of me. My life is not terrible. I have plenty I am grateful for. Have many who love me. But its the people who faked that they loved me. The people who left me bitter and tangled. Wounded and forlorn. It is they who cross my mind. Not cross it, but rule it. Dictate my days, my moods. My life. I walk around in PJs, glumly. Curl into a ball on the couch. Eat chocolate just to make it through. I smile and play whenever I am with my daughter, family or friends. And in those moments I am okay. I am happy. But as soon as its me. I want to slump up in a heap and ponder how I got here. Ponder how they torture me. Ponder why it matters so much. Why does it matter so much? Why does what they have done, what they chose, matter so much? Why does the hurt, hurt so much? Maybe because I never really got over it all.
I have always thought too much into everything. I over think. I question everything. But its the why’s and how’s that really get to me. How could they do that to me? Why has this happened to me? Yep. The whole victim mentality. Yes I know I was a victim. I know that it is in the past now and I should move on. Its the questions and the memories that really get to me.
I feel as if my soul has been broken. My faith, squashed. My sight, blinded. It’s as if my mind and body are paralized. All the fear, rage and bitterness boils over leaving only an empty pot. My body feels empty. Its as if I see from outside myself. I struggle to find who I was. Who I am. Where am I going? I am on the path but the path has no way forward; until I start walking through the overgrown masses of weeds and branches. I will make my way forward this year. They have stolen too much from me already. It is time for me to start living again. If not for myself. Then for my daughter. For both of us, I will start here.