Word Vomit, of Past Trauma

I went to bed with every intention of staying there. Well actually, I am still in bed, just not sleeping (like usual). My thoughts and memories racing keeping me awake. But this time instead of just fighting with them I thought maybe just maybe I could let some stuff overflow here.

I don’t know where to begin. I don’t want you to be lost when I tell you.. Let’s just say this, I have never been in a romantic relationship where there was true love. To be frank, I have only dated monster’s. The last two were by far the worst. 

I thought I knew the one guy pretty well. We had known each other since graduating high school, didn’t date until our second year of college, got engaged, bought a house.. But the thing is something always felt not right. It wasn’t until we were settled in the house for a couple of years before I really started to notice. He would stay up late, go to a friends house get home late, get home from work late, always on his phone/computer.. You see where this is going. Or do you? 

You are probably thinking the same thing I thought. He is cheating. Well I thought the same thing. I started going through all of his message’s. And eventually that’s what it seemed like. He was being overly flirtatious with other women. We argued about it and I told him again and again to cut it out. But something in the pit of my stomach told me I was missing something. 

On one of my snooping days, I decided to look through his computer photo’s, after noticing that all of his messages had been deleted. What I found still haunts me to this day.. It was a nude photo of my disabled sister. I couldn’t believe it. I clicked out of it and then looked at the thumbnail in horror (I couldnt believe it) and then turned off the computer. I was in such shock I started pacing around the house not even noticing that I had started pacing. I immediately called my mom. I told her what I found and I wanted to know why my sister had sent the nude selfie to my fiancé. She had done many strange things before but nothing like this. I was sure she had done something wrong. My mom said she would call me after she talked to my sister. 

I walked around feeling as if my heart would never stop racing. When my mom called back I wasn’t prepared for what she was going to say. It was something I couldn’t imagine. He had been molesting and assulting my sister. My mom said it and I still couldn’t believe it. How? When? Where? My mom said my sister described too many details for her to be lying. They were things that only she would know if she had experienced them. 

I was horrified. I wanted to die. I could actually see myself killing myself. How could I live with myself. How could I move on from this.. My mom could tell that I was unraveling on the phone with her, but somehow I pulled it together and told her I was going to confront him. He was still at work, but I called him anyway and told him we needed to talk. He said he was going to be a little late. Fine by me. Gave me time to think how I was going to approach him.

It didnt matter how long I kept thinking about it all. When he got home so many feelings rushed over me. I felt so much adreline. I was like a starving lion ready to pounce on its prey. He walked in and I just started questioning him. Told him about the photo. He was prepared with an immediate response. “Oh she sent that to me a while ago, I told her not to send anymore. She told me not to tell anyone because she didn’t want to get in trouble. I thought I deleted the photo. I never touched her. I didn’t want the photo.” Lie after lie. 

I felt like I was going to burst. I called my mom again. Asking if my sister could be lying. I started to really freak out, and then as I slumped to the floor in the corner of the house my sister got on the phone. She was crying and screaming, “He is lying to you, he is lying to you!” I said “Are you trying to ruin my life? This is going to ruin my life! You hate me! You have always hated me!” My mom got back on the phone, she said,”I can give you the details”, but I stopped her. This was all too much. I told her I would call her later. 

I got up. Walked past him. Locked the bedroom. Took a shower, numbly. Got changed sat down on the couch and he said, “Can I sit by you?” Really? I said, “Under the circumstances, no.” I stayed there for a little while trying to distract myself with a TV show. But I just couldn’t. I went to the bedroom, locked the door, curled up in bed and passed out eventually from pure exhaustion.

I woke up with a jolt at 3am. It was then that I knew I had to leave. It had finally all sunk in. I planned to leave while he was at work. I tried to sleep. Got ready for work. Broke down at work. Talked to a counsler. Called my mom and told her to meet me at the house. We packed everything that we could fit into our two cars. That evening he called and asked where I was. I told him I was moving out and that was it. I never saw him again.

After that happened I thought I would never date again. I swore I wouldn’t. But there was someone waiting for me. My daughter. I got her in a very unexpected way. I couldn’t imagine life without her. Her biological father ended up being a monster. Apparently I gravitate to those kinds of people. I will tell you more about him in my next blog.

What happened with my ex’s still haunts me. I fight with anger and fear. I fight with the horrible memories. Nightmares. I have realized that monster’s aren’t cloaked with horns, made of muck.. They are disguised as humans. They walk among us. Talk like us. Act like us. My eyes are forever open. I will always see things and people differently for now on.