My mind never stops racing. It can be quite exhausting. Much of my energy goes into worrying about the worst thoughts and worrying about the little things. I always seem to be conflicted with so many things. What I need to be doing. What I should be doing. What I want to do. 

But I am always stopped. Can’t seem to get past the past. My issues rise up and suddenly they are in front of me again. I am followed constantly by these ghosts of my past. Will I forever be haunted? Doomed to this turmoil within myself? Will I ever be able to live my life?

Sometimes I wonder if it is the hate and anger that keeps me from moving on. When I really think about it all, its the fact that no one knows the truth about my ex monsters. My close family and friends know. Its not enough though. Why should my ex’s get to live their lies? They have their family and friends fooled. They painted me to be a terrible person, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. That’s what really bothers me. That people believe their lies.

So let me label my ex’s for you. The first one we will call him The Drug Addict (you will meet him another time), the second; The Sexual Predator and the third; The Abuser. (I know. I really know how to pick ’em.) 

I have already told you a bit about The Sexual Predator. I was engaged to him. I found out he was molesting and sexually assaulting my disabled sister. When I left him, my mom and I tried to get my sister to press charges. She kept backing out though. And eventually fear won and she never went through with the charges. He lives in the house I bought with him. He is now married to a woman with a little girl. I have nightmares of what he does to that little girl. Nightmares of his wife calling me a lying witch, too blinded to see what is in front of her. There are so many sick things about this guy, that I didn’t realize until I left him. He tried to assault his cousin after she turned 18. He had a restraining order against him when he was 18yr because he had sex with a 16yr. He had mainly women friends. Some with babies, children.. His brothers were afraid of him (what had he done to them?).. 

So many terrifying things. How many victims are there? How many will there be? I know that I am one of the victims as well. My counsler said I am a secondary victim. I don’t like to think of myself as a victim. But I am. I was used by him. I slept with him. Thought he loved me. All to find that he was harming my sister. I still feel violated. Dirty. And wonder how I never saw it. Sometimes blame myself for ever letting him into our lives.. And now.. After so many years passing. Finding out he is married to a woman with a daughter.. I am mortified. 

But you want to know something else? I am still on the deed of the home that we bought together. Fear over takes me everytime I think of getting a lawyer, so the house can be sold. So that I can finally have him out of our lives.. But now that I know that a little girl is living with him how can I not do something to try to get him arrested? So many scenario’s play through my mind. I have no proof only my word and my sisters word. His wife still may not believe me and the little girl will still get abused. This could traumatize my sister all over again.. I hate living in all this. My mess of a life. Perplexed. Always so much, too much to process. 

As if all of that isn’t enough to make me explode. To cause me to break. My Abuser ex causes me so much fear I hardly leave the house. Why am I so afraid? Not because he might cause me harm. Why then? Because he might try to take my daughter away from me. What is this past relationship story? 

Well. Its kinda of stupid. We didn’t know each other very long. I have always wanted to get married and have a family. I felt like somehow I had missed the boat. Never met the right guy. And I was only getting older. So what did I do? I settled. I dealt with the fact that I wasn’t crazy about him, or his insane mother and dived in. Determined to get the life I had always wanted. 

Well he started to be very controlling, didn’t respect me or my beliefs. His mother was way crazier than I could have imagined. And he was more wicked than I could have dreamt. He quickly started showing his true colors. He threw his cat against the wall.Started telling me I had to ask his permission about things. I knew I had to leave. I just didnt know how. 

Then one night he lost it. I told him I was leaving. He started throwing all of my things down the stairs. I was six months pregnant at the time. We never got married thankfully. I waited for my parents to come help me pack. I was glad I called them. If I hadn’t. You might not be reading this. He grabbed be after I dropped one of his things down the stairs. Apparently I couldn’t do what he was doing to all of my things. He started dragging me to the stairs. I struggled to get away, and right before he made the bend to the top of the stairs I broke free. I stumbled back to the floor and crawled backwards to the couch. I told him to stay away from me and to not touch me. 

He stayed away from me after that and continued to get all of my things. He threatened to call the police on me. He said I was trespassing, even though I lived there too. I was so shaken I didn’t know what to do. After he kept threatening me I called the cops. I told them that he tried to throw me down the stairs.  

My parents arrived before the cops. My ex even had his mom come out. Two cops arrived. One was on my ex’s side and the other seemed to be more on mine. I didnt have any marks on me by the time the cops arrived. The one cop told me I could press charges amd have my ex in jail for the night. I didnt see how that would help anything since I was leaving that night anyway and how would I have any evidence if there were no witnesses and it was my word against his. 

My ex ended up spinning a web of lies and it worked in getting the one cop to write up only his side of the story. But in the end. I won. I got a permanent life long restraining order against him. I had my daughter. I never put my ex’s name on the birth certificate and I will never pursue him as the father or for child support. 

I fear him trying to come into our lives. I hate that he told everyone I am the one who lied. I just wanted my daughter for myself. How stupid people are. If only they knew how hard it is to get a permanent restraining order. Then maybe they would think twice about what comes out of his mouth..

I have a lot to worry about. I have a lot to still sort out. I have a lot. A lot of good. A lot of bad. I hate how the bad stuff overtakes the good. How it overshadows and tries to erase. 

I can sit here though and tell you this, I am lucky. I am one of the lucky ones. I got out of all the bad situations. I left. I had a safe place to go. I have a little girl who looks at me with her big eyes, full of love. She smiles and brings me back to life. I have family and friends I can rely on. Furbabies that keep me on my toes. I have dreams to chase. Goals to reach. A life to live. 

Many people aren’t so lucky. To anyone reading this who is stuck in a bad relationship, get out. It doesn’t get better. No one changes. You can do it. You deserve better. You are not alone. Its not your fault. You deserve to live. Find your life. You don’t need someone tearing you down. It will take time to rebuild. It will take time to heal. But it will happen. 

I have bad days and good days. I have bad thoughts cross my mind often. Writing this and letting people know what really has happened is helping me. I am finding closure. Finding peace. I hope that my words help you too. You will find your peace. Maybe we will find our peace through this journey of words and support, together. 

Stay positive. Stay motivated. Never stop dreaming. But most importantly, don’t let the bad take away your good. Oh and also, never stop. Keep going. We can only go further if we are actually going. So let’s go. We can do this. We got this!

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