So, you may have heard about the elephant in the room. But did you know where the elephant was? Well for weeks it has been sitting on my chest. Looking down at me, daring me to even try to move. Snorting at any movement I make to try to get up. It sits there. Tells me I can’t get up. You don’t have any fight left in you. The elephant is my fears, my self doubt, my depression, my anxiety, my worries, my PTSD.. It hurts me so. It physically hurts. The pain of everything that has ever happened to me and may happen to me. It feels heavy yet hollow. Stabbing and aching. Debilitating.
How did I get here? To the point of not living. Afraid to leave the house. Afraid to trust people again. I fight with myself instead of for myself. The tiniest things trigger my downward spiral into my dark dungeon. The job fell through. My friend blew me off. Thoughts of my ex’s. Watching the news. Banging my head. Losing something. And then it isn’t just this or that, its EVERYTHING. How did EVERYTHING get so bad???
I lay in my bed staring into the darkness. Tossing and turning. Body aching. Chest throbbing. Mind racing. Exhausted. What on earth has become of me?? What possess me so? What grips me so tightly that it’s hard to breath? How could so many things, people and thoughts have contributed to my lack of well being.
How could I let things go so far? To the point where I physically am in pain. I am aware of my thoughts. My worries. My aches. My pains. Yet I let myself stay and wallow in the pain. I don’t help myself. I help others. I go out of my way for others. But yet here I am in physical agony and I watch. I hear my soul cry out but I don’t know how to save myself. The pain has far surpassed my usual inflictions.
I tell myself to snap out of it. Revert your thoughts. Remember happy times. Focus on your third eye. Breath in, breath out. It will get better. Pray.
In time I know it will get better. I will slowly creep out from under the elephant. Everything may be heavy now, but once I learn how to carry the weight I can then learn how to leave it behind. Until then though, I lay here. Staring at my elephant, planning my escape.