I have had my chest pain, constantly for over a month now. Everyday, it feels like I can’t breathe. I have never had this pain for so long. When I think of why it has lasted so long, I get it. But this can’t be good, having such a hollow, heaviness in my chest.

I have been alot happier lately. I should say WAY happier. I’m getting out, I’m social, I am being creative, I am working, I’m eating better and working out. You would think all of this would help the stress pain, right?

Well, for me the stresses of life always affect me, over everything else. It’s a habit I plan to get a hold on. But for now everything I am worrying about is weighing me down.

Some of my worries, stresses and life changes are…

I recently went through weaning my daughter. I breastfed her for almost 2yrs. To some that may seem crazy. To me though, it was the most beautiful, bonding experience. Her growing up and not needing me as much as before is heartbreaking. But also, I may never get to have this type of bond again. She may be my one and only baby. So closing my baby chapter, stings and weighs down on me…

My love life is up in the air. Which really bothers me. I never thought I would love someone again. Yet here I am, in love with my best friend. I don’t know what to do though. I told him how I feel, but he hasn’t brought it up or made a move. I feel as if I am freaking him out a bit. I am very forward with him when we talk about relationship stuff. I know I can’t make him be ready for a relationship. It’s just hard to watch him slip into his old habits of sleeping around, when I am standing right in front of him.

I am working again. Which is a positive-negative. Positives: Making money, saving money, being able to buy stuff, getting out of the house, working with my best girlfriend and having a bit of me time. However, it’s the first time I have been away from my daughter so much. I have worked here and there before, but I work much more now. My mama guilt makes me feel selfish and as if I am abandoning her. I feel like I am going to miss out on everything with her…

Not only do I have all of that, but I also have my fears creep up when I am out. I know it will take time to get over being afraid of being out and about. The feeling of being afraid to leave the house is pretty overwhelming though. Even if I do enjoy working, listening to music in the car and watching the birds flying in the sky. The fear of someone coming after me and killing me is pretty ridiculous, I know. But I still think about it, everytime I am out.

I have alot of reasons why my chest pain has not subsided, even though all the good stuff in my life surely out weighs the bad. My chest however, feels otherwise. 

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