Word Vomit, of Past Trauma

I went to bed with every intention of staying there. Well actually, I am still in bed, just not sleeping (like usual). My thoughts and memories racing keeping me awake. But this time instead of just fighting with them I thought maybe just maybe I could let some stuff overflow here.

I don’t know where to begin. I don’t want you to be lost when I tell you.. Let’s just say this, I have never been in a romantic relationship where there was true love. To be frank, I have only dated monster’s. The last two were by far the worst. 

I thought I knew the one guy pretty well. We had known each other since graduating high school, didn’t date until our second year of college, got engaged, bought a house.. But the thing is something always felt not right. It wasn’t until we were settled in the house for a couple of years before I really started to notice. He would stay up late, go to a friends house get home late, get home from work late, always on his phone/computer.. You see where this is going. Or do you? 

You are probably thinking the same thing I thought. He is cheating. Well I thought the same thing. I started going through all of his message’s. And eventually that’s what it seemed like. He was being overly flirtatious with other women. We argued about it and I told him again and again to cut it out. But something in the pit of my stomach told me I was missing something. 

On one of my snooping days, I decided to look through his computer photo’s, after noticing that all of his messages had been deleted. What I found still haunts me to this day.. It was a nude photo of my disabled sister. I couldn’t believe it. I clicked out of it and then looked at the thumbnail in horror (I couldnt believe it) and then turned off the computer. I was in such shock I started pacing around the house not even noticing that I had started pacing. I immediately called my mom. I told her what I found and I wanted to know why my sister had sent the nude selfie to my fiancé. She had done many strange things before but nothing like this. I was sure she had done something wrong. My mom said she would call me after she talked to my sister. 

I walked around feeling as if my heart would never stop racing. When my mom called back I wasn’t prepared for what she was going to say. It was something I couldn’t imagine. He had been molesting and assulting my sister. My mom said it and I still couldn’t believe it. How? When? Where? My mom said my sister described too many details for her to be lying. They were things that only she would know if she had experienced them. 

I was horrified. I wanted to die. I could actually see myself killing myself. How could I live with myself. How could I move on from this.. My mom could tell that I was unraveling on the phone with her, but somehow I pulled it together and told her I was going to confront him. He was still at work, but I called him anyway and told him we needed to talk. He said he was going to be a little late. Fine by me. Gave me time to think how I was going to approach him.

It didnt matter how long I kept thinking about it all. When he got home so many feelings rushed over me. I felt so much adreline. I was like a starving lion ready to pounce on its prey. He walked in and I just started questioning him. Told him about the photo. He was prepared with an immediate response. “Oh she sent that to me a while ago, I told her not to send anymore. She told me not to tell anyone because she didn’t want to get in trouble. I thought I deleted the photo. I never touched her. I didn’t want the photo.” Lie after lie. 

I felt like I was going to burst. I called my mom again. Asking if my sister could be lying. I started to really freak out, and then as I slumped to the floor in the corner of the house my sister got on the phone. She was crying and screaming, “He is lying to you, he is lying to you!” I said “Are you trying to ruin my life? This is going to ruin my life! You hate me! You have always hated me!” My mom got back on the phone, she said,”I can give you the details”, but I stopped her. This was all too much. I told her I would call her later. 

I got up. Walked past him. Locked the bedroom. Took a shower, numbly. Got changed sat down on the couch and he said, “Can I sit by you?” Really? I said, “Under the circumstances, no.” I stayed there for a little while trying to distract myself with a TV show. But I just couldn’t. I went to the bedroom, locked the door, curled up in bed and passed out eventually from pure exhaustion.

I woke up with a jolt at 3am. It was then that I knew I had to leave. It had finally all sunk in. I planned to leave while he was at work. I tried to sleep. Got ready for work. Broke down at work. Talked to a counsler. Called my mom and told her to meet me at the house. We packed everything that we could fit into our two cars. That evening he called and asked where I was. I told him I was moving out and that was it. I never saw him again.

After that happened I thought I would never date again. I swore I wouldn’t. But there was someone waiting for me. My daughter. I got her in a very unexpected way. I couldn’t imagine life without her. Her biological father ended up being a monster. Apparently I gravitate to those kinds of people. I will tell you more about him in my next blog.

What happened with my ex’s still haunts me. I fight with anger and fear. I fight with the horrible memories. Nightmares. I have realized that monster’s aren’t cloaked with horns, made of muck.. They are disguised as humans. They walk among us. Talk like us. Act like us. My eyes are forever open. I will always see things and people differently for now on.

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I will start here.

In remembrance of Carrie Fisher, I post this quote from her. As many others, I have thought of her often since her passing. I, however, never knew of this quote until today. It was such a coincidence. I had just made my new years resolution; act more and dwell less. Her quote fits perfectly into my life. I live in fear. Fear to go out. Fear to try. Fear to fail. Fear to succeed. Well, maybe I just need to accept my fear instead of overcoming it. Instead of wrestling with it. I will let it be. I will walk through it. I will let the fear come. Lay as it lingers over me. And then watch as it fades behind. Behind. Me. Where it should have been to start with.

I will start here, first. With my blog. Venting, writing, fuming, escaping, running. Letting everything fall out into words. Words that I have held onto for too long. Thoughts that plague my every move. Memories that dehabilitate me at times, far too many times. So many days, hours, minutes, seconds lost. To what? To disturbing events that have crossed my path. That have impacted my life so tremendously I see people differently. But not only that. The worst part is. I have stopped living. I watch others lives in colors and wonder how they are so happy. Think of how lucky they are. And wish my life were more like theirs.

How terrible of me. My life is not terrible. I have plenty I am grateful for. Have many who love me. But its the people who faked that they loved me. The people who left me bitter and tangled. Wounded and forlorn. It is they who cross my mind. Not cross it, but rule it. Dictate my days, my moods. My life. I walk around in PJs, glumly. Curl into a ball on the couch. Eat chocolate just to make it through. I smile and play whenever I am with my daughter, family or friends. And in those moments I am okay. I am happy. But as soon as its me. I want to slump up in a heap and ponder how I got here. Ponder how they torture me. Ponder why it matters so much. Why does it matter so much? Why does what they have done, what they chose, matter so much? Why does the hurt, hurt so much? Maybe because I never really got over it all. 

I have always thought too much into everything. I over think. I question everything. But its the why’s and how’s that really get to me. How could they do that to me? Why has this happened to me? Yep. The whole victim mentality. Yes I know I was a victim. I know that it is in the past now and I should move on. Its the questions and the memories that really get to me. 

I feel as if my soul has been broken. My faith, squashed. My sight, blinded. It’s as if my mind and body are paralized. All the fear, rage and bitterness boils over leaving only an empty pot. My body feels empty. Its as if I see from outside myself. I struggle to find who I was. Who I am. Where am I going? I am on the path but the path has no way forward; until I start walking through the overgrown masses of weeds and branches. I will make my way forward this year. They have stolen too much from me already. It is time for me to start living again. If not for myself. Then for my daughter. For both of us, I will start here.

A little intro.

I have always always been a bit of an over sharer. But for the past 3 years my over sharing days have ceased… Until now. My trusting nature went from,”Sure I will help you!” to “Hmm, what do you want from me? Are you lying or being honest?” I have barricaded myself from many. Struggle with my PTSD, depression and anxiety. I don’t leave my home much. Afraid to be seen. Wondering who might be around the corner… I use to not be this way. And maybe I am just describing the worst moments.. I am one of the kindest people. I hesitate for a moment before I help someone, but I always help. My hesitation comes from a lot of past hurt and trauma. 

Even though, I have been put through the ringer, I still help others and strive to help others. I believe we all are here to leave something greater behind. Peace and Kindness. I hope that by documenting and venting through this blog, I can help others who are going through hard times and show that we all go through many difficult moments, but we go through all this to become closer to one another. To better relate to one another. We get stronger, smarter and more determined. 

 Just for fun, here’s some about me’s. Single Mom. Toddler Days. Artist. Writer. Do-good-er. Chef. Animal Lover. Cats. Cats. Cats. Healthy Enthusiast, but Lover of Chocolate. Join me on my journey (of hopefully figuring things out). -Anonymously Mama.